just once…
I really do like you….But.. You waited too long and I can’t fall and wait forever for you to decide to catch me… (this is where he said he was waiting forever for me to build trust….and I replied with this:) No you weren’t.. You weren’t the one crying at night because you just wanted nothing but to be with me.. You weren’t the one who had to wait for someone to catch you… You wanted to build trust with me but you kept me in the dark. I always had to text you first and it seemed like every time i slept in your room we had sex. I cant have a relationship like that. I dont wanna hurt anyone and i dont wanna be hurt myself. I wanna stay friends but Idk if Thats possible. I dont wanna let you go but someone else has swept me off my feet in the time ive been waiting for you…
Sometimes I wish I was a simpler person but people didn’t like me as much. I kinda wish I was a loaner. Someone people don’t approach very often and someone who people don’t fall for. It would be a lot easier for me. I’ve been hurting for a few days now and only one person can help me. Every time I talk to him it gets easier but, when I see my ex, the pain begins and I want to cry, just rip my heart out and shatter it myself. Be a heartless bitch that no one can stand just so I don’t get hurt anymore.
Sadly, I’m not like that. No matter how strong I may look on the outside, I’m this weak piece of glass that could break at any second. My emotions are on full blast and it gets hard to control them. I’m not a heartless bitch and I feel bad for hurting people. I have feelings that not many people can understand or handle. I can barely understand or handle them and they’re mine. I’m a stubborn, crazy, chaotic, random, funny person with the biggest heart….
I fall too fast sometimes, have severe trust issues, paranoia and may not be sure of what I want but I know now what it is. Its not the ex I’ve been trying to fix things with but the guy who came into my life and swept me off my feet in just a few days. He makes me feel good. Good about myself and helps me forget my insecurities and open up a little more.
I’m gonna give in and try to be truly happy for once. Forgetting the past mistakes and keeping an open mind. I’m trying to be as optimistic as possible and not looking back on past problems but looking for new mistakes to be made. I enjoy having obstacles sometimes, it lets me prove to myself how strong I really am and that I can get through anything. Whether its alone or with a good friend or great guy by my side…
Just wish the great past memories wouldn’t haunt me so bad, like right now…. instead of being happy with the memories….they’re turning into my nightmares….
Not sure but,
There is no way to describe how I feel at this very moment. I’m tired, stressed and worried that the one I think I’m starting to fall for won’t be there to catch me. I’m doing better now that I’m on my meds but I still feel like shit at times and I honestly don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t wanna feel this way but sometimes I don’t have a choice. It comes to me in intervals and hits me hard in the end. I woke this morning next to him without even a kiss and that still bugs me a little but what can I do? We’re talking again and that’s all I could ask for after the fight we had. I honestly couldn’t tell you how I felt that night but, it’s similar to now. Unknowing of whats to come out of the next few hours. I think I’ll just lay back down and sleep some more, hoping he texts me and wants to see me again, cuddle maybe. I’m not sure what to do or think but I know this might not be what I want anymore and that scares me since I tried so hard to talk to him and to get him to listen to me. What do I do next? No clue but, I’ll figure it out somehow, I always do.
I’ll listen to music and try to sleep for a few more hours before getting up to start my day, maybe that’ll help, oh please let it help. I could use a little more sleep but, what to do with the rest of my day? Not quite sure right now but, I’m sure my roommate with find something fun or distracting to do while we’re awake and waiting for friends to get out of class so the real fun can begin.
So, as I get ready to lay back down, I’ll say goodnight and try to have a peaceful rest….
Disney Heroes, by David Kawena
lmao peter pan looks like zac efron
im sorry. but i cant even. lmfao.
looking at this made me feel a little gay.
I- I- I…. O.O
My Wandering Mind…
Alone and depressed. Worthless and dying. No one can truly understand how I feel at this given moment. I feel like I’ve put my trust and heart into falling for someone who didn’t know how to catch me. I’ve tried to talk and that just doesn’t help because I end up in tears. I can’t help how I am and I sure the hell am not changing who I am. Yes, I am being medicated for some illnesses but I can’t control that either, I’m sick, I’ll admit but if you’re not going to be willing to try and understand, sympathize or be supportive, what the HELL are you doing talking to me? You could have told me from the beginning that I wasn’t the “ONE” but who the fuck cares about my feelings right? They don’t matter, they don’t exist. Should I just disappear? Would that be easier for you? I know it sounds pretty easy for me right now. I haven’t “self-harmed” in a year, A YEAR! You’re pushing me towards that with this hurt and pain. I can’t bear it, I’m not strong enough right now. I know it’s gonna take some time but I can’t wait forever for this to heal. I know you can’t fix a broken heart or one thats been shattered many times before but, you can at least try and put the pieces back together…. Oh wait, I forgot. You’re too good for that. I know I deserve better and I know there’s someone out there for me but, I wanted you. That’s it, YOU. I understand now that my needs and yours aren’t the same and our priorities are not exactly the same either. I’m gonna be working on finding myself and just trying to find something for me that works.
l have a feeling I won’t be sleeping, this is all too much and the thoughts keep racing but I enjoy just sitting here listening to my music and typing away, it isn’t quite pounding since its 3am but I was getting there. This just seemed like the “right” thing to do so I took Sarah’s advice and I’m writing again, about anything and everything. Seems to be working just fine to me(: Smile, what’s a smile? It’s something you do when you’re happy. I don’t even know what happy is anymore.. I seriously don’t. I couldn’t tell you if you asked me. This is pathetic. I’m restless and I don’t really feel like doing anything or even being alone matter of fact. I think it’s kind of a bad idea. I need to be around people. Not too many people, but people nonetheless. I need to be cheered up, however that’s gonna happen. I just honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sitting here in the dark. My favorite place to be and I can’t even think of a happy time. I just wanna drink. Numb it all and let loose. I wanna be me again. I know I’m not myself. I miss myself, where have I gone? I couldn’t tell you if it bit me in the ass…. that’s how far gone I am. I don’t even know where I am sometimes. Like I know where I am but then again I don’t. I find myself questioning a lot of things lately and I hate it. I don’t think I have a greater disposition than not knowing who I am anymore. It’s gonna take time to find myself but I hope it doesn’t take too long, I fear if it takes longer than a year or so I might be gone. I don’t like feeling hopeless, helpless, unwanted and worthless. These are the feelings that get me started on the suicide trip. Again. It’s been a year and I don’t plan on doing anything but, the feeling and thought is there, it’s eating at my every thought and movement. Every breath I take burns and stings. I don’t feel right and I’m not quite sure why. I’m sure I’ll find a reason for my feelings sooner or later but, I honestly just wanna go back to my fun, loving self. So carefree, nonjudgmental and had the self-confidence of a super model. All of that is gone now. All I’m left with is the pain, fear, loss of trust and paranoia. I’m afraid to sleep. I fear if I doze that the dreams are going to return. I can see it now. I lay there awake at night pondering the thoughts that haunt my mind. For instance, why I’m here… I get the bright idea to go for a walk. I find some broken glass from a shattered window and drag the serrated edge up my left arm and then I proceed to the right. I lay there fascinated by the blood draining from my body….slowly fading into unconsciousness as someone finds me, not sure who, I can’t see their face. They try to save me but, it’s already too late. The ambulance pulls up and I’m placed on the gurney being rushed into the ER. There’s nothing they can do, I’m too far gone. The funeral is a long, exaggerated process and everyone’s crying and asking the same question I ask myself multiple times a day… WHY?… why me, why now, what did I ever do to deserve this?….
